The Mind of an Autistic Child

The Mind of an Autistic Child
As perceived by
Jagannath Chatterjee
I'm just a normal child mom, I cannot understand what makes me different from others. I think the same thoughts as them, have the same ambitions, wish to play, to love and be loved. I like my studies , the teachers are so good, my classmates so understanding. The books smell so nice. What does the smell remind me of? I cannot put a finger to it. You smell so good too mom. I love it when you smile.
If only I could step out of my body , you could see how wonderful I was. It feels so wrong, my body. I feel trapped. I exist in a corner of my head , I see what you see, I feel what you feel. Why cannot I react mom? Why is dad so worried about me? Am I such a burden to you both? What if I was not born, you two could have been so happy. How was I when I was born? I remember those days when we all were so happy. Till the day I felt my brain shrink, my body felt numb, the skin dead and dry, the lights hurt my eyes, I have this uneasiness that makes me feel restless and I cry.
I can read mom, I cannot remember. I hate the exams, they test my memory more then they test me. If only they could let me read and let me live my own life. I do not know about tomorrow. Please let me enjoy my present. I am still so alert, able to tolerate my pain. What if tomorrow is not so good? Let me enjoy my present please. Leave me alone with my books. Let me read what I want. I want to know about this world. I want to travel in my mind. Why do you worry so much about my future?
I scream because I can do things that I cannot when I try. Can you not help me? Why do you not allow me to be with the other normal children? Why do I have to go to MY school? Is it so important to do things that I cannot? I can do them in my mind . I know the answers !! How can you not know? You do not know the depths of my thoughts. You do not understand how much I feel for you. You do not understand how much I understand. I am willing to live life as it is. If only the pain could go away. Everything is so wrong. You get worried even when I feel happy and try to laugh.
I am so full of fears. I am afraid of darkness. I am terrified of strangers. I hate my school. I hate the sound of the school bell, it startles me, hurts my ear and I panic. The school is another prison for me . If only you could know. Why don't you let me free? I would so love to fly. I would perch on the tree outside our house and watch you all. What is God mom? What does he do? Why did he let me become like this?
You could have another child. A normal child. I would so love to have a brother. A sister would do as well. I would help them grow. But mom please....please....see that they do not become like what I am. Take good care of them. Watch them carefully. I want you both to be happy mom and dad. You are so good. I make you unhappy. I want brothers and sisters who would make you happy. I want the laughter to return to our family. I want you to feel proud of them. I don't want you to feel ashamed to introduce them to others. To explain all the things that you have to in my case.
I know you want me. But I feel so unwanted. There seems to be such a great barrier between you and me. All this loneliness. Where does it come from? I cry and cry till I drop and shake. You too cry and sometimes you get angry. You think I do it on purpose. If only you could sense my mind, my thoughts, my fears, my emotions. Sometimes they do not obey me just as my body defies my attempts. Try to understand please. I do not hate you. It is just that my skin feels so wrong when you touch me. What is fate mom? What is destiny?
The doctors assure you I will become alright. You want to believe them. I too tried to believe them. But the medicines make me feel groggy. You think I sleep. But you cannot see my dreams . They are so horrible.They are so frightening. I want to shout and cry. I want you to stop those dreams. But you only come into my room, take a look at me, shut the lights off and go away. I want to be awake mom. I do not want to dream. I want you to be with me in my room, waking me if I fall asleep.
I have everything. I have my life, my mom, my dad, my friends, my toys. But I also have my body, my pain. Is this all there is to my life? Can you not do something for me? Maybe there is a way out? Something that doctor uncle cannot think of? You read so much. Can you not find a way out? Why are you so afraid to experiment? Are you afraid of loosing me? But I will always be there mom, watching you from heaven. Do something for me mom. And dad. There is no harm in trying.
I don't want to live like this. Why should I be a burden to all when I am capable of sharing their burdens and make them feel light? Why should all my energies go to caring for my own self? I want to help the world and yet I rot in my own prison. I am not a selfish child. I am perfect in my own way. Only you do not understand. Help me. Think of curing me and not just allowing me to continue with all this pain. I don't want to be special mom. I want to be normal. Promise to me you wont give up trying. Ever.
Help me. Please....!!!!! Do not give up on me. Mom...and dad.